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22222 Cheap Donut Avenue
P.O. Cardboard Container ??56
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Date: According to my termite-holed calendar, today’s March 29th 20-something. The termites ate the part that showed the calendar year.
R.E: Looking for a job, and I need it like yesterday. I have just impregnated a girl, and my dad wants to kick me out of his house…and we’re still in the rainy season. Oh, my apologies. I haven’t said dear to you yet. My bad.
Dear Sir/Madam/The Man/To Whom This May Concern
Howzit? What’s up? High five if you like donuts too! How are your umbilical cords hanging, if they weren’t burnt and you kept them?
As I was saying, I’m in a tight spot. I’m like a coin on a bench after a fat person sits on it.
I need a job. Attached to this application letter are torn pages displaying my credentials. Some of the pages are burnt, so you’ll need glasses to read some of the words. I highly recommend a microscope.
As you’ll see from the pages, I can keep secrets. One of the pages is a picture of a screenshot of a text from my Grandma, thanking me for not ratting out her secret pie recipe to my mother so far.
In addition, I may have dropped out of college (due to reading an article on Google that said 67% of present billionaires dropped out of college), but my brain is sharper than the beak of a woodpecker. I am so sharp, a knife once brushed against my skin, and the knife started bleeding.
My favorite hobbies include yelling at the next-door fat kid for his farts that cause global warming, thinking about why fat people don’t pay twice the busfare for causing potholes on the roads, and listening to Bob Marley.
My favorite dislikes are bathing for 2 consecutive days, sharing my bed with a bedwetting younger brother(his urine smells like URINE in capital letters), and watching a happy couple kiss on a park bench while my love life rots in the corner like an abandoned spider web.
I’m so single, I cut my single bed in two, and use the other half as a reserved bed.
I have an ex-girlfriend that I hate with all of my feet. I’d have said with all of my heart, but my feet are way bigger than my heart. Anyway, I’m sure you’re not interested in my love life, cause this is a job application letter.
Before I go, I just want to holla at my boys in the hood. Shout out to the C4 Gang!!! And Greg, I want my money, man!!! Give me back my money, or I’ll rip out your eyeballs, chew them and then dump them back in your eye holes!!!
Yours really…
Me.
P.S. I’m a heavy alcohol drinker.
Muddy Gags 